you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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