He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
