I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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