Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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