It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
