Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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