Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
he thought i was a dude.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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