Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
