The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
