If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
