I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
