If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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