I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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