oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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