dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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