You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize