Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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