Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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