The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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