Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
