evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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