You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
