I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
