Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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