I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We talked him into tasing himself.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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