Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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