I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
