Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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