why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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