you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
