apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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