The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
