insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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