I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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