Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize