Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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