I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
