How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
