Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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