god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
