I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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