remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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