Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
