Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
