Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
