Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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