Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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