why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
