I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
