The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
