You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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