Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
