I'm lost and stupid without you.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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