Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
