we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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