Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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