She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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