I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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