Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
